Top o' the week to you all!
It's been a dynamic few days and I can not wait to share it all with you. Until then, here is this weeks manners quandary.
You're a woman about town. A bon vivant. A city girl. But...you weren't always so sophisticated. You grew up in a small town and love getting back to visit. You return for a few days to visit your parents and decide to hang out with a few childhood friends. As you discuss your lives and catch up over cocktails at the local bar, one of them begins to make insensitive remarks about race and sexuality. As it turns out, she is not as evolved as you thought she was. Her comments begin to be downright mean. You do not share her views.
What do YOU do?
Just for the sake of keeping things friendly and fun, I would ask for a change of subject. If she refuses to stop, I would excuse myself from the table and leave. I would also suggest that she educate herself and learn about the big world out there beyond her tiny, clueless existence. Plus, I would cut her out of my life
ReplyDeleteSorry. Didn't mean to get mean but this has actually happened to me. I had someone that I considered my best friend and one time she made a stereotypical remark about my family and our background (we're Panamanian). Something like that is not forgivable. I am very proud of where I come from and I will not tolerate ignorance. Of any kind. This was 7 years ago when I was 20. Now, my Tolerance/BS meter is even lower. Cut her off.
I would tell her in the sweetest way possible away from everyone else (powder room run) that I don't think her comments are appropriate and she should probably think about the feelings of others prior to saying such things.
ReplyDeleteLove this one! Where shall I begin?? I would share with her that our views are not the same. I have experienced both spectrums of the "race" issue. I grew up in a small town (Covington, GA) and chose to date outside my race. I'm caucasian, married to a black man with 2 beautiful children. We started dating in high school, and we have been together 20+ years. In high school I was called, the " "N" Lover" by the whites......"trying to be black" by the blacks. I wondered to myself...why must we choose friends and relationships by race? I felt at a young age that people should be judged by character..and shared interests etc.....not color (thanks, MLK).I have been known to correct people when referring to ANY hispanic as "Mexican"......this is done quite often! I hate hearing the "F" word, when referring to gay men. It REALLY burns me up hearing "it" from children (learned from ignorant parents). Even with my children...the term "mixed" is unacceptable to me. When I think of "mixed"....I think of a "mixed" breed dog. The proper term is "bi-racial"!! My son,(now 9), once had a daycare provider tell him that he is "mixed"....do we really need people we pay to care for our children discussing "their interpretaion" of ethnicity? I think not!! Keep this "backwoods jargon" to yourself, people! Quit sterotyping people....get with the modern world....show some class and cooth (even if you did not grow up with any). If your excuse is "I grew up that way"....grow up...you are an adult now...hopefully making your own choices! If we choose to just "let it go", people will never know that it is unacceptable. They should keep this small minded mentality to themselves. SAY SOMETHING!!! *exiting soapbox* xo
ReplyDeleteI'd take a stand. A calm, dignified, gracious stand. Some things you can't compromise.
ReplyDeleteWhat I've done in the past that's been effective is start out with, "I want to share something with you so you don't make this mistake with another (minority,woman, homosexual,etc). I'm sure you didn't intend to, but when you said ___________ it was offensive, and let me tell you why."then politely explain the nature of the offending comment. Now, I'll bet you a glass of merlot, especially if the remarks were racial or cultural, they come back with "well so-in-so is (insert minority group)and I said (same offending phrase) and they didn't say anything about it. Just say, "that is fine, we all don't think alike. I'm just saying for me please do not say__________" ok?, end discussion and move on. This does 2 things, 1. you address the behavior in a calm, firm way. 2. you put them on notice not to pull this stunt again.
ReplyDeleteI had a white female co-worker who all of a sudden thought it was perfectly fine to call me "girl". Used that scenario above verbatim, problem solved.
I like this first suggestion of asking for a change of subject in a light-hearted manner. Just to minimize the tension/awkwardness in that moment. But, I wouldn't be meeting up with that person ever again, and if asked why, I'd be honest.
ReplyDeleteIf we each don't take some kind of a 'stand' and 'educate' people who are ignorant to be more culturally sensative, it will never change. Sometimes it is not even because they 'intend' to offend, they just don't understand that certain things should not be said. Often, it really is just because they 'didn't know'. So if you take the time to educate others, you can change lives.
ReplyDeleteGah! I deal with this at every holiday, or at least I used to. Every year I'd think, okay, we're all grown up, we can be civil, have nice conversations, share the holiday cheer, but NOOOOooooo! One or the other of my bubba brothers always has to say something nasty, something backwards and redneck, something to make me realize they will never crawl out from under that rock, and nothing will ever change. Lately, I don't go. Sometimes I leave town. Even if I don't leave town, I say I'm leaving town, and sorry, won't be there for the festivities. It's that bad.
ReplyDeleteAs a mother of a beautiful child with down syndrome, I can relate to this post. I do not relate to the many who defend the use of any word meant to demean, whether it be based race, sexuality or abilities. And it may be hard to believe, but there are many many people who defend their right to use offensive words the way they wish, when they want, because they do not "mean" to offend...
ReplyDeleteI must say on the positive side that most friends, and strangers are very evolved. It is a very small minority of people that don't get it. I would discuss the slight and move on...
You could try to change the subject, if you were trying not to offend her.
ReplyDeleteBut, since she was being offensive to her--
then let her have it! Let her know how STUPID, IGNOGRANT, & SMALL MINDED she really is.
The TRUTH hurts sometimes but the Bible says it will set you free.
Great commentary on this post. It just goes to show that this topic has a lot of emotion around it. I agree with the respondents who view this as an opportunity to educate and inform. Or at least try to.
ReplyDeleteAren't we all human? I don't get the racial or gay thing that stirrs a lot of emotion in the Us. I live in The Netherlands and either race or sexual identity aren't issues at all over here.
ReplyDeleteIt's also not proper etiquette to speak negative of certain groups. Espacially when it makes people in your group uncomfortable. I would divert the conversation to a different subject or make an end to the issue by saying you disagree and that this isn't the time nor the place for this topic. ( normaly this is the task of the host)
You probably can feel yourself what is appropiate at that time to do or say. Everyone is entitled to their opninion, if you agree with them or not. And sometimes you have to agree to disagree. But for everything is a time and place.
I found your blog via another blog and I think that is a great post. I'm from Connecticut and now live in Los Angeles. Despite my small town upbringing, I learned at a very young age that all people are different. Oprah once had a show that displayed a fish bowl filled with marbles and they advised the only thing that separated on person from another was one marble. Pretty remarkable. With my friends, I use sense of humor because that's who I am - I educate and inform without putting the other person down. Unfortunately, some people are a product of their surroundings and truly have no understanding that what they are saying is wrong. It's our job as cultured, educated, and well rounded individuals to enlighten their world. If they still choose to be insensitive or racist than it's time to move on. Sometimes the best gift you can give someone is a true understanding of the world.
ReplyDeleteIf it's in my house (my blog, my table), then I very politely tell them they can't use that language in my house. If they have the temerity to ask why, I tell them. Only one person has had the temerity to do it again, and I escorted him out and wished him well on his journey.
ReplyDeleteIf it's in public, I say, "I won't listen to that," and refuse to discuss it. If it continues, I leave.
This is a hard one for me, because I come from a somewhat backwards area where pejorative terms are pretty much the norm, and I'm horrified by it, even as the majority of people, and by majority, I mean EVERYBODY, does it. It flies out of their mouths like please and thank you. I can't correct everyone, nor is it my job to correct other adults in their own homes.
I would let her know I don't share her views and why. Hopefully she'll be enlightened. A lot of the time people feed off what they are exposed to. So she may just simply need to hear it from someone she can relate to whom she admires.
ReplyDeleteIf she acts a donkey during the conversation...I'd remind her I'm not too far from jumping out a ditch just because I'm cute and dressed nice. *HARD.STARE.*