Good morning!
I hope everyone had a great weekend. This week's quandary is from the TBS Mail Bag. Won't you help your fellow reader?
Dear TBS:
The holidays have happened upon us so quickly. As beautiful as they are, they have nearly become one of the most dreadful times of year for my husband and I. You see, we've been married five years and have 2 small children. Since we started dating seriously, we began to alternate holiday visits between our two families, all of whom we love very much. As much as we love them, though, we would like to begin to establish our very own traditions within our "mini" family. We both come from very close families and our mothers, especially, would be DEVASTATED to know that we would like to do our own thing. We are productive and smart people but seem to wither when it comes to this particular situation. How DO we share our wishes with our families without hurting their feelings? I think we've put this off as long as we can. I'm interested in hearing what your readers have to say.
Thanks,
I'm A Turkey
What Would YOU Do?
Easy fix~ just be honest, and say that this year you would like to have a quiet Thanksgiving at your home with your hubby and kids. They will get over it believe me. If this is your strong desire, then make it happen. Your years with little kids is limited believe me I know I have a 23 and 17 year old. This Thanksgiving, our family is having pajama day on Thanksgiving, this means I will cook the traditional meal, and we all spend the day in pjs watching movies then share our family meal, yes in pjs. So take it from me you only go around once, do what you want to do. Your Mom will understand.xo
ReplyDeleteBeen there, done that. I have a 4 year old and we tackled this scenario last year. While my husband's family is 7 hours away, my parents and family are only 2. Before we had a child, it was no big deal to go to my parent's house for Thanksgiving and Xmas to share the holidays with extended family. For for the first 2 holiday seasons of my son's life, we stayed on that same track, but started planting the seeds that when our son began grasping and taking an interest in Santa, we'd be staying home. It was MEGA important to me that our son have Christmas morning in our home. So, we compromised. We go to my parent's house for Thanksgiving and for Christmas, we stay home. My parents are invited to join us for Christmas. They can stay in our home to be there for Christmas morning and we're thrilled to have them. Last year worked out beautifully. My parents came down and we created many traditions including baking Santa's cookies, etc. And we'll be doing the same this year. If your families are local, maybe you can create other traditions the week of Christmas or weekend before. Feel free to email me. This is a tough situation I've seen many friends wade through cautiously.
ReplyDeleteJust tell them straight out! Explain that you two are now the matriarch and patriarch of your OWN family and would like to begin your own traditions. I went through this as well. I really enjoy cooking for the holidays. And since my husband has been eating my food for many, many years now, he actually prefers my cooking to his mother's. Trust me, the parents will get on board if they want to see you during the holidays.
ReplyDeleteWhy not invite everyone to your home this year? If you have a big turnout buy some extra (affordable) china and glassware and enlist some help. Done. You are now creating your own holiday tradtions. It might be a lot more work than showing up at your in-laws or parents. Personally, I'm looking for an invitation this year!
ReplyDeleteI've remedied this by going to my family for an alternate occasion or no occasion at all. Sure they would love you to be there for the actual holiday, what parent wouldn't? You will want the same when your kids grow up. When you call to say you won't be there for the specific holiday, be sure to let them know when they WILL see you. That's what it's really about.
ReplyDeleteI'm a real family person. ANd I live in a different city than all of my family. What we used to do is travel for all of the holidays. After we had our house built and there was plenty of room for all, we chose a holiday and asked family to travel and spend it with us. We chose Christmas and the 4th of July. We told them that this way everyone would get the opportunity to host in their own home. There was some slight resistence at first, but then others started to realize the benefit of NOT having to host.
ReplyDeleteAnd the chosen Holiday doesn't have to be set in stone, alternate from year to year. This year will be my first Thanksgiving.
Just tell them. The mothers went through the same things when THEY started hosting in their homes as a family too.
ReplyDeleteYou just have to come out with it! My husband and I are a military family. We moved around a lot in the beginning of our marriage and tried to make it to both of our hometowns for bothe Thanksgiving and Christmas. We usually visit AFTER Christmas so that we can spend Christmas morning at home with our kids. That is important to me because I have to do the whole "Santa" things with the kids. They are always welcome to stay with us, but they do understand, eventually, that you have become your own family and have to make your own traditions. Believe me, they won't take it as hard as you think.
ReplyDeleteYour own words are perfect: "As much as we love you, we would like to begin to establish our very own traditions within our "mini" family." They may be a little disappointed, but they can certain understand and respect the fact that you should be able to experience the joys of creating family traditions and hosting just as they have.
ReplyDeleteWhen I used to live far away from my parents, it was not an issue...they would visit me if they wanted to see their grandchild on Christmas. And they did, almost every year.
ReplyDeleteWhen I moved to the same city that they live in it became more complicated. The stress is compounded by the fact that my mother-in-law and brother-in-law and his wife and son live here too. And his wife's parents. It's all very stressful because everyone wants us to come visit them on Christmas Day...which means my kids are being shuttled around all day when they would rather be at home playing with their toys.
No more! This year I am standing firm that Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are spent at MY HOUSE. Everyone is welcome....or not, but that is what my husband, kids and I are doing. Period.
I think they may understand more than you think, certainly your own mother and mother in law decided to their own family thing at some point too. My husband and I have agreed to alternate families for Thanksgiving (although this year we are hosting) and since our son was born we do Christmas at home. A few years I have done a Christmas breakfast for the grands and great aunties to visit. We usually spend Christmas in our PJ's eating, watching movies and playing with new toys. Friends and family are welcome to stop in as long as they don't mind our pjs!
ReplyDelete