Good morning, everyone! Here's another one from the mailbag:
Dear TBS,
You have a nanny that has worked with you for 3 years and has been like a second mother to your children. You like to think that you treat her as part of your family (or better!) You rarely deny any request that she makes, and do your best to make her feel welcome in your home. What's more, you invite her (and her family) to your kids' birthday parties and such. You even give her gifts on Mother's Day and give her daughter gifts at Christmas. She recently got engaged. You were very excited for her and helped her find some wedding planning resources. Heck, you even helped her find the location for her engagement party, which is...this weekend. The party is in 3 days and you have YET to receive an invitation. It occurs to you that you may not be invited! You feel surprised and just a little hurt. Maybe you weren't as close as you had thought.
What would YOU do?
Well, if she's like me..... I sometimes, overlook close family; friends and assume that they "know" they're invited.
ReplyDeleteThe Nanny could be thinking that she "knows" she's invited, and that no 'tangible' invite is needed.
My feelings would definitely be hurt. I probably wouldn't say anything.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely address her directly because she either overlooked your invitation because she assumed you knew all the details, or has lost her mind! haha In either case, it needs to be made plain.
ReplyDeleteI would have to say something. Because if she didn't invite, or forgot to invite you, you need to know. This could be a relationship changer.
ReplyDeleteI'd simply ask her. There's no reason to beat around the bush. If this was an oversight on her part, my failure to show would likely be hurtful to her. If she failed to actually invite me or want me there, then I'd need to really take a step back and re-evaluate our relationship.
ReplyDeleteAre you certain she sent out invitations to all guests? She may assume that you are coming. If she really didn't invite you, I wouldn't ask her anything. I would just let it ride. She might not think anything of you giving her gifts because she might think you can afford them more than she could afford to reciprocate. She might also feel that whenever she's around you, even at your kids birthday parties that she has to be ON like she is working. So that might be why she didn't invite you. I would let it go esp if you like her as a nanny.
ReplyDeleteThe first line says it all: "You have a nanny that has worked with you for 3 years" -- the nanny is the employee, and just b/c the employer provided gifts (i.e, bonuses) to her does not mean they are friends. There's a lot of missing information - did the nanny ask her employer for help in finding the location? Or did the employer just offer her assistance? In any case, my opinion is as long as one person is paying the other's salary, there's no way to be 'true' friends b/c one person has all the power. The employer should've been invited out of obligation, but not neccessarily b/c they're such good friends.
ReplyDeleteMaybe she just presumed you knew you were invited. I didn't get an invite to my brother's wedding but of course I knew I was invited!
ReplyDeleteThis is outside the realm of etiquette, precisely because of the employee/employer relationship. So your friend needs to decide what to do based on her own real feelings. If she wants to be friends with this woman, she should have the discussion. If she wants to preserve the employer relationship most of all, say nothing.
ReplyDeleteThe employer has some illusion of friendship - this woman is her employee, period. She's under no obligation to extend an invitation.
ReplyDeleteI would make sure to tell her that I hoped everyone had a great time at the party, the last time I would see her before the event. If she says, "aren't you coming?" Then you can tell her you weren't sure you were invited, but now that you are...you are coming. If she says, "thanks", you'll know you weren't. Then, I wouldn't feel obligated to include her on anything that I didn't want to include her in.
ReplyDeleteMy first thought is that I wouldn't automatically invite my boss to my events that have absolutely nothing to do with work. Nor do I assume that she would either. I'm one who keeps work and personal separate for the most part. Since there's no info here as to whether the gifts, etc are reciprocal, I'm going to assume it's one-sided therefore the employer may have overstepped her boundaries and should not expect her employee to share her life.
ReplyDeleteIf it were really important to me to share in this event with her and her family, I'd
ask her covertly similar to how Niki suggested. Then moving forward, she knows how to act moving forward.
I'd do something similar to what Niki said. I'd made a comment along the lines of 'hope the party is fun, I'll look forward to hearing about it/seeing the pictures!' and see how she responds.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I'd assume my biss wouldn't *want* to come to my engagement party, given busy schedules, and not really know the other guests, etc. I'd feel if I did invite her, maybe she'd come out of a sense of obligation/not to be rude. So not sending the invite would be sparing her the awkwardness (yes, even if she made suggestions about the venue, etc.)
Since I don't like to 'assume' I'd give her a follow-up call to check and see if everything is going as planned. Then, I'd let her know that I've not received my invitation in the mail and see what she says from that point. I've found that sometimes during the excitement of the planning process, the future bride may forget to communicate and make sure she's conveyed the necessary information to all involved. Which is why it helps to have a checklist (which can grow) and people to assist with making sure all bases are covered.
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I agree with most of the pp...I would just come right out and ask because either way one of you is hurt. If you don't go then it's a slap to her and if you do go and you really weren't invited how does it look to be a grown behind crasher ::ie White House losers..ahem I mean crashers:: Who wants to be them? But it sounds like you have a pretty go dynamic so just ask, she probably thinks you're already so involved you didn't need the formal invite.
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ReplyDeleteI'm cracking up because without her employer, there would be no wedding! Very tacky on the nanny's part lol!
ReplyDeleteI would be very hurt. While I do agree that it is an employee/employer relationship, a nanny has to become closer than just and employee because of the intimate nature of the job.
ReplyDeleteNot a thing. If I don't have an invitation...then I'm clearly not invited.
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